November 15, 2011
Where You Belong
I’m finding life frustrating. It’s no one thing; it’s everything piled on together. I’ve never had any difficulty handling my music degree, but I’d have to say, doing an English degree in a year is harder than it sounds. I have 6 English courses this semester, and 6 more next. It’s partly my fault, but I didn’t open 3 of my online course packages till a few weeks ago, just to find out how behind I am in them (because I had been so busy with other things in my life). I had papers and assignments due weeks ago that I had to catch up on, and after 2 weeks, I finally caught up on 2 months of material in those 3 courses. And right after I’ve caught up, I have to face current deadlines: Philosophy paper due Thursday, another paper next week, 2 more the week after + an assignment, and then 1 more after that. And right after that is finals.
I’m also finally getting sick and tired of being taken advantage of. English comes easy for me. I read roughly 100 pages/hour, write 1000 words/hour, and edit at 1000 words/10 minutes. Because of all this, I always have friends coming to me asking for help to make their papers sound better or fix up mistakes they’ve made. I’ve always done it for free without care. Nevermind that many of them only talk to me when they have stuff that need to be edited. Nevermind that I’m helping them earn money because I’m editing their work things for free. Nevermind that I’ve had people promise to pay me for the help I give them and never pay up. I’ve done this since Grade 11, and I’m fine with helping friends unconditionally because that’s what friends are. But its at the point where people expect me to do it for them and guilt trip me when I don’t. From last week till the end of the semester, I have 8 papers due. I’ve now done 3 of them, and have 5 more. I need time to do my own things too. I need time to relax too. I’m pissed off by the fact that they’re out having fun while I’m stuck in front of my computer editing their work and writing my papers. I know I’ve said I’d do it for free, but I’m annoyed that they make it sound like a crime I’m asking for a bit of money from them in exchange for editing their work when I’m broke. Iono…something about this all has just gotten to me. They’re out having fun, spending their money, while I’m sitting at home because I’m broke, and I’m busy getting them A’s. I’m frustrated that they take advantage of my personality, that they know I’ll eventually feel bad and edit their stuff for them. And I’m angry at myself for never being able to say no when things do not pass my moral lines.
I’m sick and tired of life. I feel disappointed and hollow. I don’t want to do this anymore, but what the hell, I know I always just return right back to it again. It’s just who I am, fortunately or unfortunately, I don’t know.
That one Newsboys song called “Where you Belong” really describes how I feel.
“When you’re dull from all that glitters,
When your thoughts have a hollow ring,
When you can’t escape from the feeling, you’re getting it wrong.
All your foolproof plans seem foolish,
All your status is status quo,
All you really need to know, is where you belong.”
I really want to know where I belong. I really want to get out of this hell and just get this all over with. I know the song doesn’t end there. I know it continues “Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face. And the things on Earth, will grow strangely dim, at the light of your glory and grace.” but for whatever reason I can’t find comfort in it.
Time to sleep, and see what tomorrow holds. I know I’ll continue on business as usual. No one will be the wiser, but sometimes, one just need to let his thoughts out, so here I am.
~Jackk
