and Im sorry for that, but many things have happened and whatnot and I just havent found the will/time to document it down here so I’ll go through a quick update of what’s happened in the last month or so.

Third week of February: “Reading” break. Its a yearly thing and its basically a week off of school for people to study and review and read and whatnot… I dont know anyone who reads during it. THat being said, its the one week in the year that I go crazy training during =P With that in mind, I went from 140-149 in those 10 days on a 10 day 2x exp card and some other short 4 hour ones.

Last week of February: I hit 150. I decided to pull everyone together and organize a good ole’ Eternia GPQ (guild I was in like a year ago that has died) so we went through it and I leveled but my fraps malfunctioned so I didnt get any screenshots.

In terms of maple updates, that’s about it. We’ve had two Vancouver zak runs now and Ive done various other things too, none of which really stands out.

With that, I’ll move onto what’s happening now:

In general, life just seems to be unraveling, slowly but surely. Everything seems to be going downhill and Ive been having that sinking feeling of hopelessness a lot lately. I feel like all the exams and whatnot are at one end of a tunnel  and time is moving towards this end and Im caught between, eventually going to be squished (I suck at describing things… just try to envision it… somehow >_<).

Ive gotten into quite a few arguments with my dad in the last few weeks over REALLY pointless things (such as skipping a class or two) and he’s thrown some of the dumbest responses at me. I dont really feel like getting into detail on it but it seems as if his long term disability and lack of going outside is putting him in a bad mood and he’s taking it out on me. And a few days ago, when my sister was looking for the camera batteries, she found some things that well… I personally didnt want to know about and have no idea in hell why he has them… I’ll leave it at that.

School’s been a drag lately too. I just dont feel like going at times and… yeah >_> Cindy and I had a midterm competition and we tied, both getting 89, 94 and 96 (though I pulled out some trump cards) and really, I should be thankful Im in no jeopardy on failing anything but some of my classes… Im not getting as high as I want to/should on them…Im not satisfied with my work and while I dont want to do it, I just have to keep chugging through it. The semester is coming to an end and the deadline for papers, projects etc. are starting to pile up. As much as I dont want to go through with that, I must. As for advisory for next year in terms of courses, I have Dr. Butler, a prof that is really bad at teaching. Im really dreading that because I dont think he’ll help or give me any direction towards things to take next year. There’s not much I can do about that but I guess I can figure that out later. Then there’s the issue of summer courses… do I want to take summer courses?

Which brings up the issue of summer. My theory is that I dont spend much and hence I dont need a job to pay for it, but at the same time, the rest of my family spends quite a bit and because my dad isnt working anymore, we’re apparently “running out of money”. I talked to my old piano teacher yesterday about lessons in the summer and she wants me to pay for it myself, which isnt possible <unless> I get a job, but I have no idea where to start looking or what I can even do and me being the person that I am and afraid of rejection, I really dont want to submit my resume somewhere just to get rejected or whatnot… guess it’s something I have to overcome but that’s easier said than done.

So… yup, my life is just a mess right now. Church is going alright for the most part and I still go weekly and whatnot, but with all this hanging over me, I sometimes dont feel like going though I keep telling myself I have to go no matter what and I do. Im not going just because of it, but Im getting baptized in 3 weeks so that’s something to look forward to though with everything hanging over me, I dont know if I’ll have the time to work out my testimony and whatnot.

With all that being said, there is an ounce of encouragement somewhere. I had to lead Bible Study on Saturday (as there was no one else to do it) and we looked at Mathew 27:45-47 (I think it was that) about Jesus’ crucifiction on the cross and how he said “My God My God, why have you forsaken me?” and the meanings of that and how it connected to Psalms 22. It was a good reminder that though things often dont go right and though often things are dark and dreary and we dont see any direction, God is still there for us, no matter how hard it is to see him. Ive told myself that its easier to say that after the fact than it is to believe that during the bad times, but I know I really have to. Then today when I was doing my daily devotions (which hasnt been daily at all… and strangely Ive fallen a full week behind), it talked of trials and how it brings about endurance.

As hard as it is to accept, these hard times are for my own good and will make me stronger and allow me to know God more. Even though everything seems hopeless and going downhill with no hint of when it will change, I have to keep fighting through this. And most importantly, I have to trust that God is still there, no matter how invisible he may seem during these times.